Finances, Feelings & Relationships

There was a post doing the rounds on social media recently: “My husband wants to build a house for his parents in the city, and I told him he will also have to build one for my parents, because they are renting. He got so angry and said it’s not his responsibility, that my brothers should do that. What should I do? Should I leave the marriage? It seems he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t care about my parents.”  – Agness Kira.

So, whose side are you on – Agness’ or her husband? Whichever way you lean, this couple’s argument is about more than just houses. Agness has taken her husband’s refusal to help her as a major rejection, whereas he may see it as an unfair burden and too much pressure being put on his shoulders. On their own, love and money have always been contentious subjects; adding in-laws to the mix can quickly turn small disagreements into emotional battlegrounds – and there will be blood.

When you are dating, you’re in a warm, fuzzy bubble, all lovey-dovey, sunshine and rainbows, with metaphorical butterflies constantly fluttering in pit of your stomach at the mere mention of your bae. However, like my mother says, “You can’t eat love.”   As time goes on, and reality creeps in, you need to take off those rose-coloured glasses and start having serious conversations about your collective future – that includes having money talks with your partner.

Don’t wait until “I do”   to understand your partner’s relationship with money. The fights may start out small – they forgot to pay a bill, rent or school fees is long overdue; they slowly begin to escalate and intensify when there’s no money for food, salary is late or isn’t enough, or when the debt collectors start calling, and there are no savings to speak of.

Traditionally, men are expected to be providers, and women are the homemakers. Nowadays, these roles have evolved, and both partners must share in both tasks to support the family. There’s a running joke, “Her money is her money, but his money is our money.”   It's crucial to discuss how you'll handle your finances – Will you combine your funds, or maintain separate accounts? Who will be responsible for handling expenses and savings? How will you deal with the financial implications of an extended family or having children? These, and many other questions need to be addressed early-on in any relationship to prevent one’s partner from being overwhelmed or feeling unappreciated. There’s no winning formula or perfect way to go about this; what matters is having the discussion and making plans that you both agree on.

Another hidden stressor in many marriages and relationships is debt. How much does your partner owe? What’s their attitude toward debt? Do they have plans for repayment? Would they rather borrow than save? I had a friend whose husband had a terrible gambling habit, and she had no idea until auctioneers appeared at their doorstep to serve a notice of eviction. He had borrowed money to feed his habit and used the house as collateral.

When it comes down to it, most couples aren’t really fighting about money per se, they are fighting about truth, loyalty, fairness, and the fear of abandonment. I hope that Agness and her husband are working through their issues and are able to reach a mutually acceptable compromise.

“How much do you earn? Do you have dependents who rely on you financially? Do you have any debt? Do you have money goals?”   These are just some of the questions you should ask your partner early in the relationship (when things are getting serious), so that you know where you stand. It may very well determine whether your love will survive financial pressure.


I can all but hear you ask, “How do we have money talks with our partners?”   This is why we developed Sente-Sana, a game that helps break the ice and open up conversations about money and personal finance with your spouse, family and friends. DM for your own copy and start living life Sente-Sana.

DM me to order your copy – @KagoTMD on TikTok, Instagram and LinkedIn.

If you're interested in watching full video essays of this and other topics I've discussed here, visit and subscribe to my YouTube channel.

Let's build your future, together.

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